Rhythm of Life and Healing
Today is the Winter Solstice, and I find myself reflecting on the rhythm of life. So much of our daily experience is shaped by natural cycles—the sun rising and setting, the outside temperatures, and the changing of the seasons. There’s something profoundly grounding about how nature and the cycles of the planet influence our lives. I love that my own rhythm is tied to something so grounded in the natural world.
I feel incredibly fortunate to have a career I love, a team I adore, and a mission that challenges me on so many levels. This work has allowed me to create a rhythm in my life that is both healing and supportive. But life wasn’t always this dreamy. Often, we talk about our war stories or our shining triumphant endings, but what about the messy middle? That’s where so much of the real growth happens.
Nostalgia and Reality
Brené Brown talks about nostalgia as dangerous when it comes to us digging into our past. I’m drawn back to my childhood. There’s nostalgia for summers spent with neighborhood friends, winter sledding and snowball fights, and exploring acres of forest filled with waterfalls and trails. On the outside, it seemed idyllic. But on the inside, it was a different story. Growing up in the 1970s with an alcoholic father and a mother who enabled him was needless to say- chaotic. I think my parents did the best they could, but that isn’t a pass on how their behavior affected me. My dad likely had a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, while my mom leaned anxious. Parenting wasn’t attachment-focused, and conversations about feelings or generational trauma simply didn’t exist. Neither did repair.
For a long time, I held onto an idealized version of my childhood. Over the past eight months, I’ve been diving deeply into my core wounds and places where healing is still needed. I have a great therapist who drops truth on that both challenge me and keep me forward moving. I’ve had to set aside the nostalgia and even my loyalty to my parents to fully examine the impact of my dad’s drinking. It wasn’t just the drinking—it was the chain reaction of late-night fights, moving every time my parents broke up and got back together, and the general sense of instability that left me feeling unsafe.
The Ripple Effects of Chaos
A chaotic childhood doesn’t stay neatly in the past; it shows up in adulthood in unexpected ways. As a teenager, I hated surprises but didn’t understand why. I struggle with spontaneity and needed time to recalibrate when plans changed. While I could adapt at work, emotional surprises in relationships often caused me to shut down. Being shamed or blamed triggered defensiveness, and I had to do deep work around shame triggers and the healing they pointed to. The messenger was most often my mother’s about not being enough.
One of the best lessons I’ve learned came from Jefferson Fisher, who said something to the effect- “If someone says something hurtful, you don’t have to hold it. Don’t even pick it up. Just let it fall.” That simple idea was kind of mind blowing for me. I no longer needed to defend myself from someone else's projection of trauma. Similarly, early in my healing journey, someone told me, “No one can make you feel a certain way.” While I’ve learned to take accountability for my actions, I’ve also come to recognize that other people’s emotions and triggers are their own work to do.
Relationships as a Mirror
Gabor Maté suggests that we should seek relationships that trigger us because they reveal what we need to heal. I agree—but only if both people are committed to personal growth, accountability, and working toward repair. Repair is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and our relationships. It requires emotional maturity, the ability to look inward, and genuine apologies. Without these, it’s impossible to truly reconnect after a rupture. Emotionally immature individuals struggle with repair.
I say this in a mindful nonjudgemental way. We all have a need for growth and healing. For me I did not respect the way I was showing up for myself. I was became aware that I was the author of my life and I wrote my story. It was a very empowering moment.
Finding Healing in the Rhythm of Life
So, how do we cultivate healing and growth within our daily rhythms? Our brains are pattern-seeking, and our nervous systems need moments of calm. Chaos and constant busyness can be avoidance tactics to keep us from sitting with ourselves, and not healing.
When was the last time you spent significant time in silence? I encourage you to build silence into your day. Start with just a minute and gradually increase the time. Notice what comes up. Can you sit with your own emotions? Can you identify the messengers in your triggers?
If you find this difficult, know that support is available. Healing isn’t a journey you have to take alone.
An Invitation to Begin
In January 2025, I will be launching my coaching website. As a certified spiritual director, mindfulness coach, and life coach, I am passionate about helping others find healing and alignment in their lives. If you are curious about coaching, I offer 15-minute appointment call to explore whether coaching is right for you. Reach out by email at mary@dogwoodhealingpathways.org or call me at 828-761-1045.
Let’s create a rhythm of life that supports your healing and growth. The Winter Solstice reminds us that even in the darkest times, light begins to return. Let’s honor that rhythm together.
